Turning 11

2/22/14

Turning 11

My sweet Alyssa,

The time has come again to reflect on the past year of having your gentle, sweet presence in our lives. You will be 11 in a few days. ELEVEN. How on earth has the time flown from diapers and sippey cups, to deodorant and training bras? So many things have changed over the last 11 years. Watching you grow and learn and experience a new beginning with each new adventure has been so fun, exciting and rewarding for me and your daddy. 

You have real zest for adventure under that shy exterior that I hope you will hang onto when life throws you curve balls. Sometimes when you are feeling down or frustrated in life, that is when you least feel up to trying something new, a new  adventure, and yet when you need it the most. God gives us new experiences to help us see Him in new, beautiful ways. We learn and grow through these experiences and we often find a new reason to get at it, working hard and moving forward. 

I love to see your eyes dancing and your sweet, shy smile disappear into something more dazzling when you are excited about something new. That is one thing that has not changed and I hope never will. I think your eyes dance and glow the most when you are with horses. These sweet, gentle creatures have helped touch a part of you that nothing and no one else seems to be able to be part of with you. Some people look an entire lifetime for something to be passionate about. You found it when you were not even 2 and it was the real deal. 

The last few years have been overwhelmingly hard for us baby. We have had a lot of sickness and grief, more than seems fair many days.  I know that losing Bapoo was hard on you in a way that was different than for anyone else. He was your everything and he loved YOU so much. You WERE his Lyssaboo. I can still hear his voice when he would see you or talk to you on the phone. He would say "Hey there my Lyssaboo!" in his happy, enthusiastic voice. He was also SO excited to see you. He was so, so very proud of you. He still would be, even more so now baby. You have been so strong Alyssa and shown such grace in the midst of so much grief and heartache. I want you to know though that I KNOW it still hurts and that you still miss him. I hope you will remember him and hold on to the memories of him and how special he was. You will not meet many men as special as your Bapoo and Daddy Max were Alyssa. We are amazingly blessed to have had two such men in our lives as fathers and role models. So few families will ever have such a blessing. Treasure the lessons learned from him and the memories. When you get older you will find that you need them to guide you through times when your path is not clear for you. 

In spite of the hard times, your daddy has also been an incredibly amazing man. I hope one day you will understand the amazing sacrifice he has made for us for years on end. He works so hard and is often exhausted. He does it because he loves us so much Alyssa. He wants to be able to go and do things that will create life-long memories for us. He works so that we have what we need and want beyond our basic needs. Its hard on all of us for me and your daddy to work so much. I know its sometimes hard for you and Levi to understand. When we have opportunities to go and do things that create amazing memories of adventures we have as a family, THAT is why we have to work so hard. We want you and Levi to grow up knowing that you were loved. You were worth the late nights, the long weekends, the hard work and the long hours. We are doing it because we LOVE you and we want the best for you and your brother. Your daddy is one of the most thoughtful men I have ever known. He plans for things that he knows will be meaningful and fun for all of us. I wish I had his gene. My gene gets stuck in work mode and without him I might get stuck there forever! Your daddy understands and needs to have breaks for us and I think you would agree that we have had some truly amazing memories together. Just in the last year alone we have gone to the beach, Great Wolf Lodge, Snow Tubing, and done countless things around home that are just for us. Just so we can enjoy each other and be thankful for the time we have together. When you lose someone you love dearly, like we have lost so many in the last few years, you realize that THESE moments together are what matter most. 

These times together are important for so many reasons. One is to bond us and bind our family ties together so that build our relationships together and love and support each other. Another reason, perhaps even more important, is that the times we spend together will sustain you and help you stay grounded when you face hard times in your life Alyssa. You should be confident that you have what it takes to make it through tough times. You have already weathered many storms in your short life baby. Let those hard times be a source of comfort and peace to you when you face new challenges. Let the memories and bonds of those who love you help you to know that you ARE loved and will ALWAYS be loved and supported, NO MATTER WHAT. 

So you are turning 11. What will happen in the next year? No one can tell but I can guess at a few things... I would be you will begin to feel confused about your own feelings some days. Your hormones will make you feel crazy some days. One minute you will laughing your head off and the next you will want to bawl your eyes out. And you won't even know why. Ahhh....sweetie. You are just becoming a young lady. Some days that is not so fun. Your body will continue to grow and change and there is a high chance you will hit puberty this year. You might not always like the changes you see and feel in yourself. Sometimes you won't even know why. Its okay. Talk to me whenever you need to sweetie. I will ALWAYS want to know how you are feeling and what your needs are. I will do whatever I can to help you through it. Your daddy will too. 

Your friends will also be going through a lot of these changes. They will also be feeling the same confusion and frustration at times. People react differently when they experience change and sometimes they handle well and other times they do not. You might not understand why they are acting the way they do. At times you might not agree (nor should you) with how they are behaving. The years ahead will probably bring a lot of this and more to your head and your heart. While it is hard, and confusing, it is also completely normal. This is when the bonds you have made with our family and your true friends will be most helpful to you. They will help you to remember who YOU are and who you are meant to be. As Aunt Cheryl said to me last weekend about you and your friends. If you seek the Lord's will, HE will ALWAYS give you the friends you need that will  love you and honor your beliefs. I think you have chosen so well with Abby. He sent her to you as a friend. Can you tell that God knows what He is doing? He gave you a best friend who loves animals, who has a baby sibling, who has strict parents, who is gentle, sweet, kind and considerate and who LOVES you back. He did good didn't he? :) 

As you enter this new year of being 11, I hope you will always remember that we only ever what is BEST for you Alyssa. It might not always be what you want. Sometimes when you are growing up, what you want might not always be what is BEST for you and as your parents, we have to learn to know the difference and guide you and discipline you so that you can learn how to care best for yourself. One day, you will be on  your own and you will be raising kids of your own. You need to know how to make the right decisions. So we have to help with that now. Does that make sense to you? You are growing so fast. You are so beautiful, both inside and out. I hope you will always be that way. I hope you will always remember that The Lord who lives in your heart is what gives you the beauty you have - both inside and out. He is who makes you gentle, kind and true. Trust Him baby. Trust Him to guide you and be there for you, even when we are not with you in your day to day trials. HE will ALWAYS be there. He know better than we can ever know what the desires and needs of your heart are. Confide in Him and give your heart and joys and hurts to Him on a daily basis. When you do, all the hard days with friends, with school, with confusion and pain - they will take care of themselves because HE will help you get through it. 

I am so proud of you sweetie. I am so proud of how you have begun to show your baby brother what a loving older sister is. You have begun to be a model for him and have had some fun times with him. I know he still annoys you, but he is growing up too. One day you will both look back on the fun memories we have as a family, and you and Levi will be the only two people in the world who understand what it was like to be one of our family and to share those memories. It will be very special to you both. Cherish that. Learn to love him and treasure your relationship with him. You will need each other in life baby. 

I love you sweetheart. You are so special, so precious. Happy Birthday baby. 

Love,

Mama

________________________________________________________________

Happy Birthday

Turning 9

My sweet Lyssaboo,

Saturday you will be 9 years old. NINE. I had to explain to you yesterday that in one more year you will reach double digits in your age. That is a once in a lifetime milestone. You got a huge grin on your face. You are SO ready to be teenager. Or so you think…   Already you are beginning to become a “tween” and my heart aches knowing that this phase of your childhood is coming to a close soon.

Last week I was going through some old videos and found some of you when you were little. You could have been in magazines. With you pink cheeks, shiny blond curls, perfect white teeth and big brown eyes. You were, and still are, such a pretty girl.  I know I don’t tell you that often, I don’t want it to go to your head and I know you hear that from other people a lot. I do think you are beautiful sweetie. More so than I could ever put into words.  And yet you are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside and THAT is what matters most all. We have talked about that many, many times. I think you really do understand what that means. I worry sometimes that because you are such a beautiful girl, that you will let the world tell you that your physical beauty is all that matters. Please remember that it is not. You have inside of you the most beautiful thing of all…you have a heart for Christ and a sweet, gentle spirit He has given you. THAT matters more than all the riches or beautiful things this world could ever give to you sweetie.

In the next few years you will be so confused sometimes. You will not understand the cruelty or demands of your friends and you might not always want to be the person you have always been inside. My prayer for you is that you will never forget what matters most. Be true to yourself and honor what you know is right in your heart. If you can do that my love, then you will be beautiful in a way that is rarer than anything else in this world.  I want you to know that your daddy and I will ALWAYS be here for you. No. Matter. What. You have already learned that even if you get into trouble, we will always love you and be here for you. That will always be true. When you feel scared, alone, disliked or unhappy, I will listen sweetie. I will always listen and be here for you. Both of us will. Never forget that. I know you hear me say this a lot but its important. Never forget that. You are a prayer warrior already Alyssa. Keep praying, for yourself and for others the way you do now.  If you do, you will always find your way because God will show you the way and listen to your heart.   I know that your prayers will be answered.

You are such a treasure. Your bright smile brings smiles to others. Everyone always says to me how they love to see you smile. You light up the halls at school with that bright smile.  You have had some hard times, grief and pain in your short life already.  I sometimes worry that you have internalized so much of it.  I hope it will only serve to help you see that strength comes through adversity. One day you will understand what that really means. You are so strong already Alyssa. You have already overcome SO much in your short time here on earth. And even through it all you are still sunshine and sweetness to those around you.  You have a gentle heart; a loving spirit and you are so gifted. Your creativity and art are amazing and your art work brings joy to others. My prayer for you is that you will use these gifts, as God wants you to in life. He gave them to you and He will continue to guide you and show you how you can use them if you seek His will.

I can remember when you were so little and we would cover the floor with blankets and towels and pull out paint an art supplies. It was the only time you would be sit and focus on something and be still.  That’s still true for you. Art is part of who you are, it centers you and helps you focus and express yourself. Sometimes you have a hard time sharing how you feel in words. You are sometimes shy and sometimes don’t want to talk about your feelings. Just remember that you can always express yourself through your art sweetie. Don’t ever hold it all inside. Your inner beauty and emotions come out in your gifts through art.  

I am so proud of how hard you have worked in school and how helpful you are becoming at home. You are learning that work is part of life, and I know you don’t like it but I want you to be proud of how well you are doing. Your hard work is building your character and who you will be when you grow up one day.  You do good work and it matters. I am proud of you. Thank you for working hard, even when you don’t want to. I know its hard for you to think that it makes that much difference right now because you are so young. It will make a difference one day sweet girl. One day you will be strong and independent and able to take care of yourself because of the life lessons you learn now as a child.  Your daddy and I want you to be ready and able to take care of yourself so sometimes the lessons we sometimes have to teach you are hard ones. One day you will understand that they are as hard for us to teach you as they are for you to learn them. We are learning as we go as well. As you wrote the title of your first song “Life is hard.” J Yes, sometimes it is.  

You have already entered an age where you want to play with your dolls one day and play in make up the next. Let yourself do both while you can.  You can be a little girl as long as you want to. You will have your whole life to be grown up.  You are already such a complex creature. Do you know what that means? I think it means that you are truly a girl, soon to be young lady. You are not extreme in any area, just so…complex. I think it started before birth even. You were a bundle of energy the whole time I carried you in my belly. You did gymnastics in there the WHOLE time. I used to talk to you, soothe you, and sing to you all the time and you would calm down. You were early by a couple of weeks and in quite a hurry to get here. Yet when you finally arrived you were quiet as a mouse. You did not scream or yell, nearly scaring us to death. You hardly ever cried unless you were sick. You came into the world quietly and with ease, and you changed our lives forever.

As squirmy and wiggly as you are at times, you are also quiet and serious. As giggly and silly as you are, you are also empathetic and soulful. You giggle and turn pink laughing at your daddy’s silliness and then you turn around cry sympathetic tears when your hear of someone else’s pain.  You want someone to lay within reach of you at night when you get scared, but not too close. You are sharp and sensitive in the same breath. You are bouncing off the walls giddy and goofy one moment and then storming through the house yelling at your brother the next. Sometimes I think he doesn’t know if you are coming or going.  [He loves you though. He adores you as you are. He will be the one boy on earth close to your age one day who understands you more than anyone else. I know its hard right now, but love him and treasure him Alyssa. One day he may be all you have left of us when we are gone.] One minute you are demanding and high maintenance, always asking for something more, then in the next minute you are praying your heart out earnestly for others in need and wanting to give them the shirt off your back.  I am praying for a husband for you who will find you intriguing and love you as you are without trying to change you. Someone who can be sensitive and caring and yet firm and tenacious, just like you are! Sometimes you are magnificent in your complexity.  I sometimes think that as opposite as your daddy and I are, you got an equal mix of each of us. Its really amazing and you sometimes leave us baffled in your wake saying “that was YOU” pointing at each other. I’m praying for someone who will stand up to you when you are demanding, and hold you close when you are hurting. I know God is preparing him out there somewhere (I think he probably got started early on him… just kidding!).  

In all sincerity, I pray he will see the beauty inside of you first and foremost. Many boys will see the beauty you are on the outside, my prayer is that the boy you marry will see the amazingly beautiful person you are inside, and treasure you for that beauty.  My wish for you is for you to marry someone who loves you like your daddy does, selflessly and wholly. Take my word for it. Don’t accept anything less. You don’t deserve anything less, ever.

I don’t think I have ever seen your daddy more proud than he was (and still is) of you when you were born. You are his heart.  He had wanted a boy when we first found out we were pregnant, did you know that? When we found out we were having a girl, he had to think long and hard about that.  Once you came he never looked back. I remember the day we got you home, he was changing your diaper (he actually changed your first diaper!) and he was talking to you. You were watching him, rapt, and he was saying: “I don’t know what I was thinking…who wants stinky ole boys? My friends don’t know what they are missing. A girl can do anything.”  He was right. You can do anything. He has never, ever wished otherwise.

You are so totally your daddy’s little girl. I could be jealous at the special bond you two share, but you know what? I am also a daddy’s girl and I know how special that feeling is. There is NOTHING that compares to being a daddy’s girl. Knowing your daddy can pick you up and hold you tight and make the world right again. That he will always be there, no matter what, and make you laugh and giggle again. A daddy always knows what looks right, what feels right and how to make a girl smile, even through tears. I am so thankful that you have this with your daddy. It’s a gift I could never give to you myself, except through your daddy. Treasure that bond sweetie. I know that your daddy does. His heart squeezes just watching you grow each day knowing each passing day you are becoming a young lady. You can be a daddy’s girl LONG after you leave home. Take it from me. I know. I still am a daddy’s girl. Your daddy loves me and YOU like my daddy does, with all his heart. Don’t ever forget that baby.

You have one more year of single digits. One more. I can’t believe how big you are. I love you SO much Alyssa. You are my sweet girl and that is how I will always think of you. I look forward to the young woman you will become and for all the fun times we will share together as “the girls” but for now, I’m going to enjoy the time I have left of you being my little girl. This time is slipping away fast and will be gone soon. In my heart of hearts, you will always be that sweet, chubby cheeked, curly blond headed angel who taught me what motherhood was. That I could survive hard times and sleepless nights and still do more than I ever dreamed possible inside 24hours. Having you and Levi has taught me and your daddy more about life and love and happiness and what matters most than anything else ever could.  Thank you for being you.

I love you.

~Mama

I used to sing this to you when you were little to the tune of “Kookaburra sits in an old oak tree”

Lyssaboo, Lyssaboo

Mommy loves you

Lyssaboo, Lyssaboo

Daddy does too

Laugh, Lyssaboo,

Laugh, Lyssaboo, and

Sleep tonight for me….. J

Alyssa at "almost" 2

Alyssa at "almost" 9

2-23-12

So today on Pinterest I see this....how very timely in light of this letter. :) God knows....